Harry Potter Must Die
by LaLaFaery
Summary: So, what do you get when everyone has it in for Harry? A big #%@ # mess. Hoo, boy. I would feel sorry for him, but motions for audience to come closer, then screams HARRY POTTER is # %#!
1. PrePreview

_Hey all! Because my sister, who shall henceforth be known as JollyRoger, isn't allowed to have a fanfiction account, we're going to post her stories on mine... Enjoy!___

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_**Harry Potter Must Die**_

_(Ps - A pun on "John Tucker Must Die")._

By ur fave Slytherin chica: JollyRoger

Co-authored by: LaLaFaery & FallenAngelGirl

_**Characters**_

Devvon: MSB, otherwise known as the love of my life

FallenAngelGirl: Close friend

_(FallenAngelGirl: Ha!!! I am MORE than that! I am you're inspiration, sweetie! Without me, you'd be nothing! NOTHING!)_

LaLaFaery: My awesome super-hyper-hero grammar-freak sister who is always having stuff chucked at her

JollyRoger: Moi, mwah! (NO, I'm not a boy, you perv!!! Shut UP!!!!!!)

And a variety of HP characters…

_Oh, and Voldie is JollyRoger's (aka__**me**__) agent and bodyguard, for all you people who don't know it)_


	2. Preview

_Disclaimer - I cannot possibly own Harry Potter, so why do we even bother putting up disclaimers?_

JollyRoger: Hey! Welcome to the PMD show! (Potter Must Die). And--

Voldie: cough, cough

JollyRoger; Yeesssssssssss, L. V.?

Voldie: Your Ugg boots are on fire…

JollyRoger: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (_falls over)_

FallenAngelGirl:_(evil, wicked grin)_ Hehhehheh, my bad…

Voldie: Problem solved, my Dark Muffin.

JollyRoger: Ow.

Audience:_(crickets chirping)_

JollyRoger: Ummmmmm…hello? Anyone there? AAAAUUUGGGGHHH! _(falls on top of a very sharp rock) _Who put that there?!?

_(FallenAngelGirl shrieks a little louder than necessary and runs out of the room)_

Voldie-_(screams)_ YOU FILTHY LITTLE MONKEY! _(shoots death spells at her; then regains composure)_

JollyRoger: Okkayyyyy, then… _(tries to walk off stage in smoldering boots) _AAAAUUUUGGGGGHHH!_(and falls over again) _

LaLaFaery: I'm beginning to see a trend here.

JollyRoger: I'm OKAY!!! And stay out of my story…

Voldie:_(rushes to my side, and picks me up gently)_ Are you okay?

JollyRoger: need…chocolate…

Voldie:_(lays JollyRoger gently on a couch)_ Moving on…

_Plot So Far..._

So, what do you get when everyone has it in for Harry? A big freakin' mess. Hoo, boy. I would feel sorry for him, but _(motions for audience to come closer, then screams) _HARRY POTTER S!!!!!!!

_Voldie: Woo-hoo! You go girl!!! WOOOOOO!!_

Ummmm... yeah, moving on.

_Various Peoples Who Are Conspiring to Hurt Harry Potter_

Hermione: Wants to hurt Harry for "mistreating" House-Elves

Voldie, no, sorry, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named:

_(Voldie: Thank you!!!!" _

_JollyRoger: Sweetie, you're distracting me._

_Voldie: Sorry!)_ Ha, you ALL know why… all the "Boy Who Lived" junk…so what?!

Ron: wants to hurt Harry for being hotter than he is

"In that case, he wants to kill nearly EVERYONE at Hogwarts." LaLaFaery giggles.

JollyRoger: I thought I told you to STAY OUT!!! _(chucks donuts at LaLaFaery, who quickly flees the scene)_

Draco: To get Hermione to go out with him

Lucius: So Voldie can gain world domination. DUH. Also to impress girlfriend FallenAngelGirl with amazing "manliness"

_FallenAngelGirl: Its LOO-SEE-US, sweetie!_

_JollyRoger: I KNOW!!! Argh!_

_Voldie: Hey look!!! It's a bunny rabbit!!! _

_JollyRoger: Good for you, sweetie… Now shut UP!!!_

Cho Chang: for making out w/ Ginny

Ginny: for making out w/ Cho Chang

Now, for the story…

_coming up in the next chapter._


	3. Hermione Flawed Plot

Hermione cackled softly to herself. She was being the ultimate multi-tasker while waving a heavy bronze candlestick above her head and swaying precariously on a tinkling chandelier above the Grand Staircase.

"Wooo-oooo-ooo-oooo-ooo…" she murmured, hanging upside down from the diamond-encrusted chandelier.

"Oh yes, he will be sorry, oh yes, he will. Poor house-elves, nobody understands them. Nobody except for Mommy. Poor little house-elves…my poor baby-kins… Hark! He approaches!"

(As you may have noticed, poor Hermione has gone slightly insane from all the strain of being perfect) and she slinked up the chandelier and hung from the chandelier rope. As Harry staggered up the stairs, Hermione extended her arm, holding the candlestick between two fingers.

"Bye-Bye, Harry!" she screeched

She let go!!!!!

_Heh. Short chapter. Heh. REALLY short chapter.  
_


	4. Foiled

The candlestick tumbled through the air and smashed inches away from Harry's head onto the smooth marble of the Grand Staircase. Harry gazed at the bronze remains laying next to him.

"Hmm. I wonder how THAT got here! Oh, well!" and he continued up the stairs. Hermione cursed.

"D Potter."

She swung the chandelier back and forth, muttering to herself, and plotting her next attempt of revenge. Hermione allowed a sly grin to creep across her face.

"My babies… the time shall come…soon, my loves…soon…a-ha-HA!"

Hermione pulled out a knife, laughed manically, and cut the rope connecting the chandelier and the ceiling.

"WHEEEEEEE…….!"

CRASH!!!!

As the chandelier hit the ground, shards of sharp crystals flew everywhere, scattering the floor with diamonds. Hermione crawled out of the mangled silver remains of the once majestic chandelier, bleeding and bruised.

"Now why did I do THAT?" she muttered curiously to herself.

"Bloody HECK, Hermione!" Ron rushed over to her, helping her to her feet.

"Come ON, Hermione, let's go to Snape. Maybe he'll have a potion to help you regain your sanity. What WERE you doing, anyways? What were you THINKING?!"

"Oh, this and that." Hermione waved her hand vaguely in the air. "Heyyyy…." She glanced suspiciously at him. "What were YOU doing down here? And since WHEN are we cavorting with Snape?"

"We can talk later. For now, let's just get you to bed, 'kay? I'll get the potion in the morning." They entered the common room. Ron waited until Hermione was asleep, then slipped back out the door into the dark corridor.

_End Chapter 1_

Voldie: Nice job! My compliments to the author! _(applauds loudly)_

LaLaFaery: See, I TOLD you I could help!!!! WHAT now?!?

JollyRoger: AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!_(spazzes and chases LaLaFaery off of stage, screaming threats and chucking various hairspray containers)_

Draco: Yah! Can I have that kiss now?

JollyRoger: (_runs back on stage)_ NO! _(chucks hairspray container at Draco; runs back off)_

LaLaFaery: _(screeches loudly in the background)_

Lucius: I might admit that it shows some promise……….

JollyRoger: _(has come back on, since she's out of hairspray) _Thanks…. I think…. _(stretches)_ Well, I think it's time for me to hit the sack. _(Yawns, and begins to walk off stage)_

Voldie: _(Glares at her)_

JollyRoger: _(falls again) _Augh! Ow! Oof! Ooo, that's gonna leave a bruise….

LaLaFaery: _(laughing gleefully at JollyRoger's painful tumble)_ HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!_ (applauds loudly). _In yo FACE!!!! Do it AGAIN!!!!!

Voldie: _(helps her to her feet and dusts her off)_ Not so fast, Jolly. You're not done YET.

JollyRoger: _(exasperated)_ fine! Fine! You win!


	5. Pit of Despair and Fluffy Pink Bunnies

**Chapter 2**

Peeves was having a nightmare. He was in a deep, lush valley filled with flowers and birdies. Then, out of nowhere, came a BUNNY RABBIT!!!!!! It was fuzzy and…and….pink! It was staring at him! Oh no! It's…it's…..coming CLOSER!!! It's-!

"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!! DON'T TOUCH ME! AAAAAAH! I'M TOO PRETTY TO DIE! AA-AH-AH!"

Peeves awoke in a cold sweat.

"I hate bunnies. They hate me. No interaction, no problems. No bunnies." He tried to reassure himself that there were no bunnies in the vicinity. It was hours before he fell asleep again. Poor Peeves was going through attitude adjustment issues.

**LaLaFaery: **_**(giggle) **_**Funny!**

**Voldie: **_**(smacks LaLaFaery)**_** HEY!!!!! No talking when the author is writing!**

**JollyRoger:**_** (glares daggers at him) **_**Well, gee, THAT makes sense!**

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor common room, Ginny woke up to a soft crackling coming from downstairs. She sighed and rolled over, brushing away the red hair hanging in front of her face. Ginny got up and padded down the stairs. She looked curiously around the dark common room. Who could be up at this time of night? There was a bright flash of light, and the room illuminated. Ginny blinked and shielded her eyes. The light was coming from the fireplace. She rushed over, and looked into the flames. There was a face. It was Sirius. She cocked her head, wondering what was going on. The face began to talk.

"Hello? Anyone there?" inquired Sirius.

"Sirius? Is that you?" asked Ginny.

"Ginny Weaslbitty! I am SO relieved to hear your voice! Listen, I have a message for Harry—"

"Ugh, HARRY again. It's always "Harry this!", or "Harry that!", or "Harry needs to save the world!5. Oh, and it's WEA-SLY." Ginny scowled.

"I knew that!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Whatever." Ginny got up and headed back to the girls dormitory.

"Did I say something wrong?" Sirius wondered, looking extremely confused.

_End Chapter 2_

Voldie: Excellent job, my dear! _(exits, hear screeching motorcycle tires)_

JollyRoger: _(falls over again)_ OWWIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

LaLaFaery: Anyone know how to call Pizza Hut? I'm hungry… _(waves cell phone in the air)_

JollyRoger: _(looks around for hairspray containers, and, finding none, contents herself with throwing Vanity Fair magazines)_ No! Nonononono! Leave me ALONE!

LaLaFaery: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! OW!!!!

JollyRoger: MWAHAHAHAHAHAH haaaack, COUGH! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Draco:_ (still trying to get the hairspray out of his clothes)_

Lucius: Anyone else notice how we're a LITTLE off track?!

FallenAngelGirl: Sweetie, a "LITTLE" is not even part of it.

JollyRoger: I'm going SLIGHTLY insane here! A little help would be nice!

Draco: _(brightly)_ I'll help! _(picks up double issue, snarls)_ En gaurde! Hwa-YA!!!_ (throws it at LaLaFaery)_

LaLaFaery: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! _(screams, throwing arms over head to protect herself, flees, shouting "I will be back, with triple issues!" Pppf, yeah RIGHT.)_

JollyRoger: _(hums theme song of The Adams Family)_

Voldie: _(returns)_I'm back! _(holds up greasy, sugary box)_ And I brought donuts!

JollyRoger: Ooo! My favourite!

All except Lucius and FallenAngelGirl:_(stampede off stage, chasing Voldie, all screaming: _Aaaah! Donuts! Mine!

FallenAngelGirl: Well…I guess it's just us now……

Lucius: Yeah……

FallenAngelGirl: So….What now?

Lucius: _(starts making out with her)_

FallenAngelGirl: _(mwah!)_

LaLaFaery: _(runs back on stage; face smeared with frosting and sprinkles) _Oooooh, LOOK!!! Aren't they just the CUTEST ickle couple?! They're cuddling and kissing and hugging and-

Lucius: _(looks at FallenAngelGirl meaningfully)_ May I?

FallenAngelGirl: _(Nods)_ Be my guest. _(picks up 2 squeaky dog toys; hands him one)_ Come.

Both: _(scream threats at top of lungs, whack LaLaFaery over head)_**BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM!! BAM!** BAD LALAFAERY!!!! _(pause….)_** BAAAAMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!**

JollyRoger: Okayyyyyy then. Chasing and hitting LaLaFaery seems to be the new fad around here….. BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP!

Lucius and FallenAngel Girl: _(look guilty and throw squeaky dog toys off stage) _What? I didn't see anything. You didn't see anything did you? I didn't. Nothing. _(continue rambling meaninglessly)_

JollyRoger: _(give LaLaFaery a hug and a cookie) _NO more hitting, children! It's NOT nice!

LaLaFaery: _(sniffs miserably)_ Ouchie … OOOH! COOKIE!!! GIMMIE!!! _(snatches cookie out of SlytherinGirl's hands) _Yum……

Harry Potter: _(enters)_ Um, excuse me? _(looks exceedingly lost) _ Can you tell me where the bathroom is?

JollyRoger: Sure. Down the hall and to the left.

Harry P: Thanks…_(starts to walk away, then runs back and pokes LaLaFaery)_ BOTHER!!!!!

LaLaFaery: _(whimpers)_ Owww…. HE POKED ME! NO FAIR!

FallenAngelGirl: But, JollyRoger, the bathroom is up the stairs and to the right; you sent him to the Pit of Des- _(smiles knowingly)_ Ah….I like the way your mind works, my friend. Very sinister indeed.

(Editors Note: The following section has been removed due to necessary violence concerning to the harming of Harry Potter. Thank you for your patience and support. Also, thanks to the large anonymous donor of dynamite to set up in the Gryffindor common room. Thank you again. Pansy)

**Offstage: (Loud, long shriek; followed by a thud, thud, thud, "ow that's gonna leave a bruise".) **

JollyRoger: WOOO! That's 4 WHOLE ENTIRE pages of dialogue! Go me!

LaLaFaery: _(scurries off stage to the Pit of Despair; followed by the rest)_ Ooh! A big metal hole! I didn't know that was there! ECHO! _(echo-__echo-__echo-__echo-__echo-__echo_. You know, maybe we should close the doors. Someone might fall in… _(starts teetering precariously on the edge)_ Yikes!

JollyRoger: _(grabs LaLaFaery by the back of her hot pink suspenders) _Oh, no you don't! Not while I'm around, missy!

LaLaFaery: Just a thought…._ (peers down into the black abyss). _HEY! Guys, you are NOT going to believe what I just remembered.

All: _(wearily)_ What?

LaLaFaery: I, um, dropped something in there last week! Yeah, that's it! Now, what DID I drop? (looks puzzled)

Voldie: Moving on….

LaLaFaery: No, no, that's not it.

Lucius: What do we do with the boy now?

LaLaFaery: Oooh! I got it! It was—no, no, that's not it either…

FallenAngelGirl: _(brightly)_ We could torture him! I have LaLaFaery's old orchestra CD in my purse _(rifles around in purse, locates the torturous music, holds it up triumphantly)_ Found it! But we might want to use these too…_(holds up gigantic fleecy earmuffs)._

LaLaFaery: _(looks extremely irritated now, tapping foot angrily) _HEY!!!! Prejudice-er against violinists!! Agggh! What WAS it?!

JollyRoger: (_looks uneasily at the CD) _I don't think those're going to do it, FallenAngelGirl…

LaLaFaery: Oh yeah! I remember now! I dropped my T. Striatus and JollyRoger's toxic mashed potatoes! Into the Pit of Despair! _(looks apologetically at JollyRoger)_ As you may know, she's not the world's SAFEST chef in the world…

Others, except for JollyRoger: _(nod knowingly; they've all had bad run-ons with her "cooking")_

JollyRoger: _(scowls) T. Striatus?_

LaLaFaery: Latin for "chipmunk". So, I'm a little worried about what horrible mutated transformations might have happened to poor Mr. Pookie.

**Pit of Despair: **_**(loud crashing sounds, scratching noises coming up the side of the pit, monster roaring).**_

JollyRoger: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Voldie: _(whimper)_

Draco: MOMMMMIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

FallenAngelGirl: _(looks bored, snaps gum)_

LaLaFaery: OOH, look!!!! A gel pen!!!!!!

Mr. Pookie: _(in a high helium voice, crawling over the lip of the pit) _Hello? Yes, you the tall one. No, not you—oh, never mind. Hey, anyone see a hot, blonde, plastic chick come this way?

LaLaFaery: _(shrugs)_ We were playing Barbie pool party.

JollyRoger: _(stares disbelievingly)_ Um…no. She might be in the dressing room, umm….?

Mr. Pookie: Mr. Pookie, at your service_ (bows)._ Adeiu, madame._ (scurries away)._

Everyone except LaLaFaery: _(stares, horrified at LaLaFaery)_

LaLaFaery: What?!?!?!

_Nice long chapter, don't you think? Enjoy!_


	6. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape

**Chapter 3**

Severus Snape sat at his desk, correcting papers; tapping his foot and humming to himself.

"Snape. Snape. Severus Snape."

"DUMBLEDORE!" the door flew open to reveal a Dumbledore who had obviously had too many caffeinated gumdrops. He was wearing his pink "Pony Dreamland" nightgown and Killer Rabbit slippers.

"Oops! He-he! Silly me! Wrong office!" he closed the door, still chuckling to himself. Snape rolled his eyes. Some people just never grow up…

LaLaFaery:_(offstage)_HEY!!!!

Sorry.

_INTERMISSION_

Harry Potter: _(offstage, screams)_ BLOODY MURDER!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! Let me OUT! Aaaahhh!!!!!_(slam, screech, as he tries to ram and scratch his way out of the Pit of Despair with his chewed-on fingernails)_.

LaLaFaery: IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, I'LL COME DOWN, AND I'LL MAKE YOU!!!!!!!_(shouts "menacingly" down the pit)_.

Voldie: cough, cough spaz.

JollyRoger:_(gently herds everyone away from the Pit of Despair towards the bowling alley)_ All right, children…I think that's enough for now…

LaLaFaery: Gee, we have EVERYTHING here!! Bowling alley, stuff to break, people to annoy, giant pits to drop enemies down…. what else could we need?!

**ALL GO INTO THE BOWLING ALLEY**

LaLaFaery:_(runs out of bowling alley with 20 pound ball in her hands; goes up to Pit of Despair)_ BOTHER!!!!_ (drops bowling ball into the Pit, runs away)_ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Voldie: COFFEE BREAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!


	7. Catfight!

_**Chapter 4**_

Cho Chang sat down to breakfast in the Great Hall, bleary-eyed and bed-haired.

"Hey Cho!" said Dean.

"Hi Cho!" said Neville.

"What's up, Chang?" asked Draco.

"How's the Cho?" added Seamus. A huge cluster of boys had gathered around a bedraggled but still beautiful Cho Chang. She just muttered unintelligible, snarky replies at them. Suddenly, she picked up something on her Harry-Radar. Quickly, she pulled several compacts and makeup containers out of her messenger bag; applied her mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipgloss, foundation, blush and brushed her hair in all of a minute.

"Hi Harry!" she ran over to him beaming.

"You look nice…" he said, looking her over.

"Oh, I'm glad you noticed!" she said shyly, tilting her head up for a peck. Harry bent over and kissed her. Ginny, who had been hanging on Harry's arm frowned and yanked on her blouse, attempting to drag it lower.

"Look, Harry!" she trilled, tossing back her dyed blond hair (she dyed it in an attempt to gain _**all**_ of Harry's affections.) He paid her no mind, his eyes locked on Cho.

"Harry…" she slipped out her lip in a Pout. He **still** ignored her. Ginny muttered a list of obscenities then stood on her tip-toes and shrieked in his ear.

"Harry!!!!!" Harry finally turned around and looked at the pouting Ginny.

"You're neglecting me…" Ginny sniffed sadly, trying to discreetly kick Cho Chang in the shin.

"I'm sorry. Come here…" he gave her a hug and kissed her on the top of her head. Cho Chang's eyes widened and her lip-glossed mouth dropped open in an O.

"HARRY!!!" she shouted.

"Ha-ha!" Ginny crowed, grabbed Harry by his collar, yanked his head down and kissed him.

"Okay, you know what? This is **the****last** straw!!!" Cho took off her robe that was on top of her blouse and threw it out to her adoring fan club (consisting mainly of boys). Ginny, in turn, shrugged off her own robe and handed it to Harry. As the two girls readied to scratch each others eyes out; Draco stepped forward.

_I can get rid of Harry in one fell swoop, and get closer to Hermione through them at the same time!_ he thought to himself.

"Ladies, ladies, **please**. Is it really necessary to do this?" he asked. Cho and Ginny just looked at each other and said in union: "Yes."

Draco raised his eyebrows. "Really? I thought it would be Harry's fault."

"Why?" they chimed.

"**Because**," Draco paused for suspense, "I would think that it would be **Harry's** fault, because instead of being loyal to one girl; he goes for them all! How does that feel?"

"You're right!" Ginny growled and whirled around to face Harry. Cho glared daggers at him.

"You. Are. Going. DOWN, mister!" they made as if to slap him. Harry trembled, then shrieked and tore like a rocket out of the Great Hall.

_**End Chapter 4**_

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Voldie: Go figure, the rotten chicken. I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how that freak evades me all the time!_(shakes his head in disgust)_

FallenAngelGirl: _(nods in agreement)_ Oh, yeah. Major goober.

JollyRoger: the **goober-est!**

LaLaFaery: _(snorts)_ Puh-lease! He's such a dork, kinda like Voldie is, no offense…

JollyRoger: anyways, my agent _(cough, cough, slave-driver)_ finally told me I could take some time off, so here it go! _(starts to walk offstage)_

Voldie: Thank you for that, now back to writing. _(grabs JollyRoger by the back of her shirt and drags her back to center stage)_

JollyRoger: _(screeches loudly in protest)_ What happened to 'take some time off'?!

LaLaFaery: _(smirk)_Haha,\. You totally fell for the ol 'oh yeah, you're almost done, just write 15 more chapters and you can have a break'!

JollyRoger: I hate this. _(scowl)_ I'm going to go feel sorry for myself now—

Voldie: Ahem…

JollyRoger: While brainstorming _(storms offstage, muttering a startling array of creative and foreign obscenities)._


	8. Name, Please

"Freak! Yeah, you'd better run! And don't come back!" screamed Neville after the retreating Bozo-Boy-Who-Shall-Soon-Not-Live. Everyone in the Great Hall at that ungodly hour turned and stared. Neville flushed.

"What? I felt left out…"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Hey, where's Ron?" she scanned the Great Hall for the red-headed spaz and gasped in horror.

"What is it, Hermione?" Draco ran to her side; trying to look hunky, heroic and concerned at the same time. Sorta like David Beckham.

"There…" Hermione pointed. "He…he's sitting with…Snape!" she finished in a dramatic whisper. Draco tried to look shocked.

"Is he…gay?" he asked rather loudly. Ron heard, turned bright red and insisted, also loudly: "I'm not gay!"

"Keep telling yourself that, Weasley…keep telling yourself that…"

Snape snorted.

"Hey!"

"So, Weasley…what's your full name?" Draco asked casually.

"Ronald Dorkius Weasley." Ron was so delighted that someone wanted to know about him, that he threw all caution to the wind.

"Age?"

"Sixteen and five sixths."

"Boyfriend?"

"Severus Sna—" Ron stopped and his eyes widened. He hurriedly said:

"Sorry. I misheard you. You said boyfriend? I thought you said best friend. Snape is my…best friend."

Snape slammed a hand on the table and stood up. "You &2!!" and stormed away. Ron raised a hand in the direction of the retreating Potions master.

"No!" Ron jumped up and chased Snape. "Seeevvvvveeeee-kiiinnnnnsss!" _(cue slow motion here, think 'The Matrix'. Oooohhh……)_

Hermione swooned and collapsed into an ecstatic Draco's arms.

"Can we hurry with Harry's ultimate destruction? I have other worlds to conquer, you know!" Ginny chirped cheerfully. Everyone laughed. She darkened. "That wasn't a joke."

A loud shriek came from Harry as he came tearing back in, on fire. No, literally, ON FIRE.

"Oh, look." Hermione said airily. "A bonfire." There was a stampede in the Great Hall as the Hufflepuffs all immediately rushed over and crouched, impaling marshmallows on their wands and holding them over the burning Harry.

"Yummy." Cedric Diggory cried happily, munching on his burnt marshmallow. Draco tried to cast a Killing Curse, but the Hufflepuffs huddled protectively around Harry, hissing, like mother hens. Extremely obsessed mother hens.

Fortunately, Harry then broke out of the huddle, screaming,

_(Harry: It was manly yelling!_

_Jolly Roger: No it wasn't. Shut up._)

heading for the 2 floor abandoned girl's bathroom to veg with Myrtle. The Hufflepuffs leapt up and followed.

"Okay now, let's form a plan."

"What for?" Cho asked, darn her miss-big-moist-innocent-fawn-eyes.

"To kill Harry, dimwit."

"Oh!" Cho brightened. "But shouldn't we have a team name? We are a team, right?" she knitted her brow together, confused.

"Oh! Team Ginny!" Ginny cried happily.

"No! Team Ravenclaw!" all the Ravenclaws roared their approval.

"Team Sexy." Draco ran a hand through his silver hair.

"Team English Muffin!" Neville cheered gleefully. Everyone glared at him. Neville blushed in shame and tore out of the Hall, following Harry.

"Team Pansy!" Pansy said. Everyone seemed to like that one, so Team Pansy began to form a plan…

LaLaFaery: What's wrong with JollyRoger?!

Lucius: What?! Did something happen to my precious Dark Lady?

FallenAngelGirl: Who shot JR?

Lucius: Oh! JollyRoger! JR!

FallenAngelGirl: Yay!

LaLaFaery: Look at JR!

JollyRoger: _(sitting mournfully)_

Lucius: JR, what's wrong?

JollyRoger: Baffona!

FallenAngelGirl: Baffona?

Lucius: Oh no!

Draco: What?

Lucius: She's been cursed with…_(lowers voice to a whisper)…_THE CURSE OF TONGUES! _(lightning flash)._

FallenAngelGirl: Huh?

JollyRoger: Burro!

Lucius: She can only speak in foreign tongues! _(lightning flash)_

FallenAngelGirl: Where's Voldie?

Draco: OH!

Lucius: He's turned to the dark side! _(lightning flash)_

Draco: He already was on the dark side, dimwit.

FallenAngelGirl: Whatever.

LaLaFaery: Since she can't talk English, I'll take over her job today! _(lightning flash)_

FallenAngelGirl: Can somebody PLEASE turn off that stupid lightning flash?!

Lightning flash: Sorry.

JollyRoger: Tako-nyodu! _(pinches LaLaFaery. Hard.)_

LaLaFaery: Sourpuss. Anyways, you! Short person! _(gestures at FallenAngelGirl)_

FallenAngelGirl: _(gasps indignantly)_

JollyRoger: _(wisely) _Mariteddu tamant'e un ditu leddu voli essa rivaritu.

Lucius: _(translates) _A husband must be respected even if he is very short.

FallenAngelGirl: **Vertically challenged**, thank you very much. _(turns to Draco) _Do I look like a husband to you?

Mr. Pookie: What's the haps, yo?

JollyRoger: Watashi wa risago hanashimasen.

Mr. Pookie: What?

Lucius: I don't speak squirrel.

Mr. Pookie: _(deeply offended) _I am a chipmunk!

JollyRoger: Jaa mataa, takusan-hito. (bye people)

Mr. Pookie: Fine.

JollyRoger: 鼠.

Lucius: be nice. He's a chipmunk, not a rat.

JollyRoger: 尢.

Lucius: He may be lame, but be nice.

JollyRoger: Fuji seppo hoshi wa hiratake ni umaru.

Lucius: I will NOT be reborn as bad fungus!

JollyRoger: Du kannst mir gern den buckel runterrutschen un mit der zunge bremsen.

Lucius: Now that's just plain mean.

If you wanna find out what I said to Lucius, you need to review. Seriously, you know you want to.

_ANYWAYS, this is LaLaFaery speaking… and just so you know (ahem, disclaimer, ahem)… the part with Ron and Snape? That whole dialogue kinda came from the Broadway show of Legally Blond. Just so you know._


End file.
